Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Clinical Depression

Ten years ago I was clinically depressed. That was the diagnosis. It was an environmental depression which means it was triggered by events going on around me as opposed to some sort of chemical imbalance.

Those events were a failing marriage and my mother's diagnosis of end-stage lung cancer. Both events were major stresses that, even by themselves, can bring a person to a depressed state. Having both occur simultaneously can be very traumatic.

Which is probably why I don't recall many details of that time period with the exception of my mother's funeral and the night before her death which I recall very vividly. Everything else is either a big blur or completely gone from my memory.

I was treated for the depression via psychotherapy. I opposed the use of drugs because I wanted to get to the root of the problem and felt perhaps drugs might mask it. I left that option opened as a method of last resort.

I never felt suicidal though I do recall feeling that maybe if my life did end it might be a huge relief. I think that was when I realized I needed help. After all, I had to raise two small boys. And at the time of my depression I could not be there for them. I knew it was time for an intervention.

Therapy has and always will be a huge source of help for me. A lot of people are against it but I am not. I look at it as a mental check-up and I am seeing a therapist right now who has been extremely helpful to me with those emotional check-ups.

So many people ask me why it is that when I got divorced did my ex get the majority of visitation time and why was it that my ex was the receiver of child support. I often times have a difficult time answering that question to myself much less to others. The depression was so deep that I don't recall my even thinking of the details of my divorce agreement. Heck, I didn't even have a lawyer to help me out. I was completely and utterly lost.

I wish I could answer questions from 10 years ago more definitively but I really can't. Not because I don't want to but simply because I can't. I don't recollect and I don't want to try. I live through the mistakes I made and they have helped me be a better person today. I am glad that I am no longer depressed and I am so blessed to have a happy, healthy and thriving relationship with my dear husband and 4 beautiful children. Life with them couldn't be better.

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