Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Perspective Is a Funny Thing

I have a neighbor that I knew who used to tell me she was jealous of me because I get a break from my older boys during the week when they go back to their Dad's house to live. I believe it was when she made that statement that I realized I could never have a friendship with her simply because she was too dense to understand the pain that I feel inside when my boys are not with me.

Yes I did choose that situation when I made the decision to get divorced but the alternatives were not much better. I question myself each and every day. That is my life. I don't complain about my decision and I don't talk about it with anyone for that matter.

But that doesn't mean that the reality does not hurt. I miss my boys every moment they are not with me. Some days I fill the void with actions to keep my mind off of it. But when I experience alone time or down time or quiet time, I think of them. I often think of what they might be doing at that very instant. Are they doing their homework and if so, are they stuck on a problem that they need my help with? Are they eating dinner and are they being careful to take small bites so as not to choke? Did they brush their teeth before they went to bed? Did they remember to bring their jacket to school in case it gets cold in the classroom? Do they know how much I love and miss them and can't wait to see them again in a few days?

I rarely discuss this with anyone. Most times I don't even discuss my feelings with them because I don't want them to feel bad or guilty. Every so often they say things to indicate to me that they feel bad if they have a good time at their dad's house. I quickly tell them that they should never feel bad about having a good time because it is what I want for them.

One time I mentioned to someone that I felt bad about not being with my boys and that person responded with "you made your bed, you have to lay in it." That made me feel worse and more guilty. Now I don't tell anyone how I feel because of that.

But it's not because I don't feel it. Not at all.

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